Psychedelic Retreat Experience Report: Sebastian's Look Behind His Own Scenes

Psychedelic retreats, where participants take psychedelic substances for personal transformation under the guidance of experienced trip sitters, are gaining increasing attention. Ayahuasca retreats are probably the best known, but ceremonies with other psychedelics such as magic mushrooms or legal LSD derivatives are also offered by start-ups and institutes in Germany, the Netherlands, Portugal, and Latin America.

Research findings from recent years suggest that substances like psilocybin, MDMA, or LSD could be used supportively in psychotherapy to help patients with depression or other mental illnesses, for example.

But what does such an experience really feel like? In this experience report, 37-year-old chemical engineer Sebastian describes how he, as a highly rationally oriented person, found his first conscious access to his own emotions in a psychedelic retreat, what role the professional setting played in this, and how this experience permanently changed his view of himself.

Enjoy reading!

"My name is Sebastian, I'm 37 years old and have been working as a chemical engineer in a large company in Southern Germany for almost a decade. My daily life is characterized by numbers, processes, safety systems, and the demand to always stay in control. This has taken me far professionally, but it's stressful, and privately I've long noticed that something is missing.

Even as a teenager, emotions for me were more theoretical constructs than real experiences. I could understand things, analyze, plan - but not really feel them. In my family, we never openly talked about feelings either. At least since my youth, there was this mechanism of simply putting feelings aside because there was always something else to do: school, Abitur, studies, job. I functioned instead of living."

"I had nothing to do with psychedelics before. In fact, I was rather skeptical. As a chemist, I had read about Albert Hofmann and his LSD-25, but for me, these were things that 'other people' consumed - spiritual types, artists, dropouts. I was none of them. At least I thought so.

The turning point came when my body and subconscious started to show me limits. Sleep problems, constant tension, inner emptiness. At the same time, the question grew within me why I had no access to my emotions.

A friend who had already had psychedelic experiences himself eventually mentioned a psychedelic retreat. Instead of laughing at me when I said I 'felt nothing', he said: "That's exactly why it might be for you."

After weeks of research and internal debate about whether I should actually dare to do such a thing, I came across MODERNmind's retreat offer. To my relief, I found this provider, who legally offered psychedelic retreats in Germany, incorporating current findings from psychology.

I urgently needed to take a vacation anyway, get some distance from my job, and somehow find myself again - so I decided to give it a try."

"After submitting my application via the website, I was nervous about whether it would all work out in the end. I wondered if my mental health and mindset would allow participation, because that was carefully checked beforehand.

I was all the more pleased when I received the message that nothing stood in the way of a psychedelic retreat. So my search for myself could begin."

"As soon as I arrived at the retreat location, I noticed how much I live in my head. The other participants seemed open, some emotional, some spiritual. I stood there feeling like a scientist observing an experiment. But the friendly welcome made me feel immediately comfortable and, after a short time, part of the group.

The preparatory talks and rituals were an important anchor for me. The care provided by the professionals was professional, structured, and pleasantly calm. Nothing mystical, nothing exaggerated – more like a very detailed, honest counseling session by psychologists. These experts gave me a sense of security.

The guidance of the facilitators definitely helped me to let go of control for once and embrace the experience: through the professionalism of those present, I felt that I was provided for and cared for, that everything was safe and I could trust. I dared to look inward, something I had avoided for so many years."

"The actual psychedelic session was a turning point for me. I had feared that 'nothing would happen,' that I was too intellectual or too rational to engage in something like this.

However, the opposite occurred - though in a completely different way than I had expected.

There was no spectacular visual 'trip' as seen in movies.

Instead, it was as if doors that had been closed for years slowly opened. I experienced my emotions not as overwhelming, but as something I could touch again for the first time in a long time.

I saw situations from my childhood: my dog Lucky, with whom I grew up, the smile of my grandmother who had passed away years ago, myself as a shy boy on my first day of school, my parents' arguments, my best friend from school days. I felt all the excitement, joy, fear, anger, and sadness that I had somehow simply pushed out of my consciousness. But my brain had stored them.

And I understood that my need for control was not only professionally useful but also a defense mechanism that had simply taken up too much space and then consumed me at some point.

For the first time in years, I could cry – from pain, but also from a mixture of relief, gratitude, and insight. It was a quiet, very personal crying – but it felt real. And somehow liberating. The support during this was characterized by understanding and humanity."

"What impressed me most was the part after the actual experience. The integration helped me translate my insights into something tangible.

I didn't go home as a "new person"—that would have been unrealistic. But I left as a person who had come a little closer to himself again.

In the weeks that followed, I noticed small changes:

• I started confronting my past instead of suppressing it.

• I truly listened to others instead of just analyzing them.

• Self-reflection replaced permanent self-criticism in my daily life.

• My way of dealing with my own emotions has changed: I let them be."

"For someone like me—a scientist, rational, controlled, and heavily anchored in numbers professionally—the retreat was one of the most honest experiences of my life.

I learned that psychedelics are not some mystical thing that only works for certain people. In a safe, professional setting, they can be a tool—one that opens perspectives inwards, especially when one hasn't looked there in a long time.

The retreat opened up an important question for me: How do I actually want to live?

I was emotionally close to a group of previously complete strangers who suddenly felt so close and connected. I started to feel again. My interest as a researcher was opened to new areas.

And that alone was worth the journey."